What are we telling God when we tell Him no?

I felt led to post about this. 

The flesh nature is aggressive. We want to do what we want with little to no interference. We want to be in charge of our own lives, and not have to submit to any higher authority. Especially not authority that operates far beyond what we can see or understand. 

This is going to be a brutally honest blog post, but God is telling me that it needs to be shared. 

Today I was getting lunch out. I had hastily whipped together a sandwich and some little snacky things before I ran out the door this morning. This thought came into my mind out of the blue. Fast lunch. I paused. I did not want to fast lunch. I was a little hungry and hankering the taste of the mayonnaise and cheese on my sandwich. I wrestled back and forth. The enemy added confusion and accusatory voices in my mind until it felt like a storm. I didn't know what to do, and my mood darkened within minutes. Deep down I knew what to do, but I didn't want to do it. 

I wish I could say that I just pushed through, recalled the Truth in Scripture to calm the storm in my mind, and obeyed God. But I didn't. I ate my sandwich. Almost instantly I regretted it, though I ate the whole thing and some of the snacks. 

My brain exploded with regret. Why didn't I just trust God with my stomach? Hasn't He sustained me more times than I can count? This sandwich was not worth whatever God was asking me to trust Him for. I sought instant gratification, being in charge, and following what I wanted to do. Instead, I could have trusted God and leaned into Him to help me do what He asked of me. 

My mood darkened from angry and determined to heavy with guilt. The accusatory voices increased as I ultimately that my sin now drove a wedge between me and God. 

However, Romans 8:35-39 reminds me that this is not the case.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Throughout the afternoon God reminded me that He loved me. His love for me didn't change in the slightest bit, which is honestly mindblowing. As humans, we are constantly changing and shifting. Moods, opinions, and words can change in an instant and then go back again just as quickly. We love when people behave, we are happy when things go our way, but then when they don't... 

God is not so temperamental. He is more constant than we can comprehend, and He understands us deeper than we think. Jesus spent 30 years of His life here on earth before He started His ministry. He knows what we're going through on a personal level. 

I told God no. I wanted to be in charge of "my life". I didn't want to trust Him. How quickly I forget who God is! Did I breathe life into my own lungs? Did I form myself? Do I know what the future holds? No. I am not in charge. Praise God for that. God holds the plan, He always has, and always will, He knows us and what we need far better than we know ourselves. It is dangerous to attempt to put ourselves on His throne. Yet I do it so often and so quickly. Job chapters 38 to 42 are a good thing to read as a reminder of where I really am in the grand scheme of things. Then after that, I think it is important to hold that reminder in the same hand as the following words and scriptures. 

When I shrouded myself in guilt I thought surely God was like humans. Surely He wanted to give up on me. Surely He was disappointed in me and didn't want to be near me. Instead, He drew even closer.

Just as in Genesis God said to Abraham about Sarah bearing a son. Genesis 18:13-14

"The LORD said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Shall I indeed bear a child, now that I am old?' Is there anything too hard for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son."

Nothing is too hard for God, nothing we do can separate us from His love. Jesus made sure of that when by His blood and sacrifice He secured our positions as Beloved Children of the Most High King. 

We need God. We cannot live without His mercy and His grace. Every day we struggle, every day we sin. We cannot be perfect. To this God says to us 

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

Every day God is working on us, restoring us, and bringing us closer to the image of His Son. 

Philippians 1:6

"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

Take hope. We are works in progress; God is not done with us yet!