Lessons Learned After 5 Years with a Paralyzed Arm

    Happy Conquerors Day!!

    For those who have not heard of Conquerors Day before I'll do a slight intro.

    Five years ago today, December 10th, I was crossing the street and was hit by a car. I woke up in the back of a car speeding off towards the hospital and heard God say, "The devil just tried to kill you, but I said no. I only let him come so far." In that moment I felt peace amid countless unknowns God was in control. Being hit by a car has not changed the fact that God is sovereign and still on His throne. Then before I knew the extent of my injuries or even remembered the date, I heard God say to remember this day and celebrate it every year. He said to call it Conquerors Day because death and darkness did not conquer me, but God conquered them. 

    So, every year my family and I celebrate December 10th, as a reminder of God's goodness and His sovereign plan. We do something fun to celebrate and recount the mind-blowing ways that we have seen the hand of God working through this situation. 

    I have blogged a bit about the accident, my injury, and the journey that God has brought me on. So, check out my previous blogs, Savoring Pain, I Testify, and Growing Pains if you would like a little more context. 

    God brought me to a passage of scripture this morning that I thought was very fitting for today, so I wanted to share it here. 

    Psalm 118:13-17

    "My enemies did their best to kill me, but the LORD rescued me. The LORD is my strength and my song; he has given me victory. Songs of joy and victory are sung in the camp of the godly. The strong right arm of the LORD has done glorious things! The strong right arm of the LORD is raised in triumph. The strong right arm of the LORD has done glorious things! I will not die; instead, I will live to tell what the LORD has done."

    One of the things that I love about this passage is how it emphasizes the might and power of the right hand of God. I don't have a functioning right hand, and that is just fine. In God, I have above and beyond everything I could ever need. 

    So as this year is a pretty big one, five years since the accident, I wanted to list some of the things that I have learned from having a paralyzed arm. 

    I will attempt to put these more or less in chronological order.

    Over the past five years, I have developed a greater respect and appreciation for the human body and how God designed it. Directly after the accident, my body was obviously in shock, and I couldn't feel anything. They told me I had been moving around a lot, but I couldn't tell. I was lying on the side of the road, partially on some gravel. I remember feeling grateful that I could slowly start to feel the sharp little stones poking into my shoulder, and when I could feel the afternoon sun warming me and the ground around me because at first, I couldn't feel any of those things. As time went on my body adapted to the fact that I didn't have two functioning arms and I've figured out how to live with just one fully functioning arm and hand. The surgery that I had was crazy cool. The surgeons took sensory nerves from my legs and used them to repair the nerves that could be repaired. The sensory nerves in my legs grew back and I gained some nerve and muscle growth in my arm. God's design is so cool!   

    I love scars. I have almost always thought scars were so cool. Something to show off, a reminder that God has conquered over darkness, a reminder that we are healed and made whole by Jesus' blood and scars, and a sign that I am still alive just with a few more scratches. In total over my life, I've been in two car incidents, had three surgeries, and then just lived life. So that totals to around twenty scars of various sizes and I love them all.  

    In the first hours and days after the accident I saw the Body of Christ more strongly than I have ever seen as hundreds of prayers were lifted up and so many people offered support and encouragement. Over these past five years, this remains true, I have received so many prayers and encouragement over the entire time. I cannot even begin to articulate the importance of this. Without the community, the lifting up, and encouragement from the body of Christ and being in that, my journey would have been unspeakably harder. Instead, God has shown me that He will always provide community and answer the prayers of His Children. 

    In mentioning community, through this journey, I have learned about the importance of going through situations that you know you can't go through on your own. I have learned the importance of dependence. Even at a young age, I strove to prove that I could handle everything on my own. I didn't need help, I didn't need anyone else, I could handle anything and everything that came my way. Being hit by a car literally knocked that out of me. Then having a paralyzed arm and moving back to America really taught me to value the way that humans are designed to be dependent on God first and foremost, and then on each other. Community is so vital. 

    Another thing I realized early on in adjusting to a one-handed life is the need to be gentle with myself and give myself time to adjust. When facing trauma and pain of any kind this is true because healing takes time. In adjusting to being one-handed and living in America there was no need to force any adjusting to go faster than it was going, some days, tasks, memories, challenges, etc. were easier than others. One thing I did to help myself to adjust healthily was to give myself small, achievable goals. I don't remember how much time had passed but I was stronger, and the concussion side effects had lessened. I still could hardly do anything by myself, and I decided I wanted to try to complete a small task just to prove to myself that I could. So, I decided I wanted to be able to peel an orange by myself. Seeing as I had never done this before one-handed it took some patience and a lot of napkins, but I could do it. I worked on that until I only needed one napkin for any spilling orange juice and could peel much faster. Then with that confidence, I could move forward to try and do more by myself. This became the building block that I built off of, if I could peel an orange by myself, I could do other things one-handed without help too. And just for a random flex, I can now peel an orange while driving :) So be encouraged, baby steps are the way to go.     

    Building off of that, I learned the importance of not staying in one season or place. There were some things, in the early days or around the surgery days, there were many things that I couldn't do by myself and that was incredibly annoying for a teenager. However, I am very thankful for the perspective God gave me about that. Instead of being bitter that I couldn't do something it became motivation to eventually be able to do it. Don't get me wrong, there were some really sad and hard days, but they were not the majority. I learned the importance of growth, and not being satisfied to stay in one place. It started with being able to peel an orange, and then just kept building from there. Risk is important. Pursuing what may seem impossible at the moment is important. I learned the importance of these things firsthand this summer on an adventure trip in Colorado. I did so many things that I had put on the list of things that I wouldn't be able to do anymore. Including climbing a forty-foot cargo net, part of a ropes course, and a zipline. Another thing that I did was cliff jumping, I wasn't going to originally because it looked mildly terrifying, however, it occurred to me that I didn't know when I would have that opportunity again. I climbed to the top and looked down into the water, my legs were shaking so bad. Finally, after much hesitation, I gave myself to the count of three and allowed myself no more time to think about it. I took a risk and jumped. If I had listened to fear, if I had stayed where I had been two or three years ago, I would have missed out on so much. So, I encourage you, dear reader, to take risks, and keep growing. It is so worth it. Let God lead you, guide you, and carry you beyond what you thought was possible. 

    Over five years I have learned the importance of pain. In this broken world, we cannot live life without it. Pain has forced me to grow, as well as to savor and appreciate things that I might not have otherwise. (I do talk about this pretty extensively in another post called Savoring Pain) I have not only learned to appreciate pain a little more, but I have learned to push past it. For probably two or three out of the five years that I have had a paralyzed arm, I have dealt with pretty severe nerve pain. Nerve pain is no joke, it was the most excruciating pain that I have ever felt in my life. It would come in waves of varying intensity and linger for hours. I discovered that this pain had many commonalities with emotional pain. One commonality is that they are both incredibly dangerous to wallow in. I quickly learned that a life focused on the pain being experienced was not truly living. There needs to be a balance. There are times when pain can slow one down, and pain needs to be processed, but it is dangerous to sit in. 

    One huge thing that having a paralyzed arm has taught me is what it is like to have a disability. I quite suddenly gained greater understanding and compassion for a demographic that I otherwise would not have. I also didn't think of my injury as a disability for a couple years. It suddenly hit me one day that I could technically be classified as disabled, it stunned me for a moment because I truly hadn't thought about it. I pretty much immediately disregarded it because "disabled" isn't a word that I would use to describe myself. It is not where I find my identity. Being hit by a car didn't change who I am. I am still a Beloved Child of the Most High King and having a paralyzed arm doesn't change that.

    Along similar lines, I didn't understand the power of representation until I had a paralyzed arm. One day, while I was still working as a nanny, the little girl I watched wanted to watch Disney's live-action Dumbo. I hadn't seen it before so we sat down to watch it together. One of the main characters comes back from the war with only one arm. I literally had tears in my eyes and was barely keeping myself together as I watched him mount a horse in one smooth motion and ride it galloping across, all one-handed. I hadn't realized until that moment, how much it would mean to watch on a screen someone else absolutely rocking one-handed life. Then there's another movie, Defense of New Haven, with a one-handed main character who pushes past everything telling him that he is incapable of completing his mission, and then obviously Bethany Hamilton's amazing story. We need stories like these that encourage growth and inspire us to a higher standard for ourselves. 

    I also have learned about the importance of finding the right (lol, pun not intended) tools and that finding and using these tools doesn't make you less of a person. In suddenly becoming a leftie only I realized how many things are geared for right-handed people only. So now every 13th of August I send a reminder to one of my friends, a fellow leftie, in a mini celebration of national left-handed day. I have learned that left-handed pens and scissors are the only way to go. I also have tried out some really cool one-handed cooking gear, and it is so cool to see the different things that people think of! These tools help give me more confidence in situations where I may be slightly more hesitant, and I am incredibly grateful for that. 

    I've learned a lot about interactions throughout this journey. I have learned the absolutely underestimated value of holding things loosely and being able to laugh at my own shortcomings and predicaments. It has been my experience that holding life tightly only leads to knotting myself up with worry. Learning to laugh has helped me in so many ways and has made other people more comfortable in conversation and in asking questions. One thing I have learned through the many questions that I have received whether it's about my arm or living overseas, is the importance of educating graciously. I struggled with this growing up in facing all of the mostly well-meaning questions about living overseas. However, after adjusting to having a paralyzed arm I realized, you don't know what you don't know. And the people that are asking the questions want to know, they want to grow and have a deeper understanding. I didn't know what having a paralyzed arm was like before this, a majority of people don't know what that's like. So, when given the opportunity I want to educate how I would have liked to be educated about such things before. Another thing that I have learned is not to depend on the views of others. Comments both well-meaning and otherwise can stick in the mind in not the best way. So, I have learned the importance of holding to what I know to be true, knowing the standards that I have set for myself, and knowing what I can do. Anything else people say or see and call out is a sweet bonus.  

    Through this journey, I have developed a deeper appreciation for the support system that family is. I know that I would not, absolutely would not, have made it to where I am now without them. They have fought for me and supported me in every way possible and I praise God for them. Another thing that I've learned that they have most definitely helped me to learn is the importance of letting yourself be taken care of. As previously mentioned, I went from having an "I can handle anything by myself" attitude to an "I need help walking to bed" reality. So, I learned that we all need taken care of sometimes and there is no need to fight it. We all reach the end of the rope sometimes, and I believe that is when we need to let go and trust God to catch us. I have reached the end of my rope so many times and God has been there to catch me every single time. 

     Two things that have helped enormously over the years. Firstly, the continuation of a hobby that I picked up when I was around ten years old. Crocheting. Finding a way to crochet one-handed has literally saved my hair. I started twisting strands of hair when my nerve pain was really bad, for some reason it helped distract me from the pain, and it's still a habit that happens when I'm bored or anxious. However, crocheting helps me immensely in many ways and it's fun to see the results. The second thing is the friends that I have made along the way. God has richly blessed me with so many incredible friends who have been there for me, listened to my endless rants, teased and bantered with me, helped to keep me sane, and encouraged me in so many ways. I wouldn't have made it to where I am now without them either.   

    It can be so easy to get into a self-focused spiral. I have fallen into that time and time again, especially with a paralyzed arm, when I want to join in on some fun two-handed activity, but I can't, when nerve pain is bad, when I feel left out, sorry for myself, etc. The list could go on and on. So, what is the cure for such an illness? I discovered that the spiral ends or at the very least lessens when I devote my attention instead to serving someone else's needs. When I am focused on myself too much, it can be a dangerously unhealthy thing, and it helps so much to instead think about someone else who might need my help, or at the very least a kind (or sometimes sarcastic, depending on the person and the situation) word and a listening ear. It helps give me a sense of purpose and helps me remember that there is so much more going on outside of myself and my life.  

    One thing that one of my dear friends and I have talked about at length is the idea of holding two stones at the same time. For example, moving let's say, holding in one hand the sadness of saying goodbye and in the other hand holding the anticipation and excitement of new hellos. There is space to hold both. I learned the importance of processing the loss and while still remembering that I have not lost everything, far from it. I think it is important to remember and trust God with both. Perspective is so important. In times like this, I think asking God for His perspective, so that we may see with His eyes is vital. I am so incredibly thankful for the perspective that God has given me. Instead of viewing being hit by a car and having a paralyzed arm as a life-altering tragedy, He has enabled me to see it as a gift and a blessing. He has used these hard circumstances in so many beautifully healing ways. 

    I think the most important things that I have learned over the past five years are that there is only one constant in this life and that as Christians we are not living for the here and now, there is so much more. Amid storms and amid calm, God is the only constant in this world. In times of joy, and times of pain, God is constant. I have seen this for myself over and over again. The thought of Heaven has also deeply encouraged me through this journey. The pain of this world will be but the blink of an eye, and then as Christians we will be celebrating in the glory of God forever! What a beautiful thought!

    I have learned so much over the past five years, so much has happened, and God has brought me through it all! I am so thankful for the people that have been in it with me, whether you have been there since the beginning of the journey or have joined me somewhere along the way, know that you are a wonderful God-given blessing that I am so thankful for! I look forward to seeing what God has yet to come!