IDENTITY: WORKING THROUGH THE LAYERS

I’m going to be working on a series about identity, its importance and the challenges of finding who you are. 

Who are you? 

Is it a simple question? Maybe. But here’s the facts. Most people today are extremely confused about who they are. When you know who you are, and you are confident and secure in your identity it affects how you live. 

What do you root your identity in? Who do you say you are?

Let’s work through the layers with a worldview perspective.

Who am I?

Say someone walks up to me and says, who are you? The conversation may go something like this. 

Friend: Who are you?

Me: My name is Grace Miller. 

Friend: That’s your name. Are you merely a name? Who are you? (This is when people may start listing credentials and qualifications.)

Me: No… I’m a high school student… 

Friend: That’s something you do. Who are you?

Me: I am the eldest child to my parents and a oldest sister to my sister. I’m one of the youngest grandchildren to both sets of my grandparents. I have many cousins, aunts, and uncles. 

Friend: Those are familial relationships. Who are you?

Me: I have friends all over the world. I have friends who I call family. I’m not dating.

Friend: Those are more relationships. Who are you?

Me: I like playing soccer. I like singing. I like teaching. I like to read. I like writing stories, songs, and blog posts. I like crocheting. I like playing games and watching movies. I like sitting with my cat. I like walking to the park. I’m bilingual. I like babysitting and spending time with kids. 

Friend: Those are hobbies and abilities. They do not make you who you are. Who are you?

Me: I was hit by a car, which gave me a severe nerve injury. Which left my right arm paralyzed. I have been in a lot of pain since then. I’ve had three surgeries. I have to wear a sling, compression sleeves, and take pain meds. 

Friend: Those are things you have experienced. You are so much more than the things you have experienced. Who are you?

Me: I live in Illinois. I’ve lived in Sierra Leone, west Africa, Liberia, West Africa, Tanzania, East Africa, and America. I’ve visited three European countries, and sixteen American states. 

Friend: Those are places you have lived or visited. Who are you?

Me: I’m a Christian.

Friend: Let’s come back to that. Is that all you are? That and the things you mentioned before. 

Me: Well, I am a missionary kid and a third culture kid. 

Friend: Those are defining factors, but that is not what defines you. You are so much more than your parents’ job and how you were raised. Who are you?   

Me: I’m a white, freckled, red haired, teenage girl. American citizen by the papers and birth. Sierra Leonean raised.

Friend: That’s what you look like, and your birth and raising locations. You are so much more than just that. Who are you?     

Me, exasperated: What more do you want?? My clothes sizes? My weight? What people call me? What I call myself? The emotions I go through? Being homesick for places and people I can’t have anymore? Being sad, angry, temporarily happy, and then spiraling down to bad thoughts which grow into suicidal thoughts? If I am so much more than everything I just said then ask somebody else who I am because I don’t know. Other people tell me who I am. 

Friend: You said that you are a Christian. What does that mean to you?

Me: Well it means everything to me. Following God is not just my religion but my life. 

Friend: I don’t think so.

Me: I beg your pardon?

Friend: If Christianity, following God, is truly your life, not only your reason for breathing, but the source of your breath. Then wouldn’t it be higher on the list of things that you root your identity in?       

Silence. 

Friend: You’re putting your identity in temporary things. You say that following God is your life but you are not living to where your words are mirroring your actions. 

This is an example conversation and some things that I do really struggle with.  

Let’s look at all the defining factors listed in the example paragraph. 

Name. 

Occupation.

Relationships and familial relationships.

Experiences.

Places, lived or visited.

Religion.

Who the parents or family is.

Appearance.

Gender.

Age.

Ethnicity.

Citizenship.

Raising.

Background.

Clothes size.

Weight.

Height.

Words.

Material things.

Emotions.

Expectations. 

Comparisons.

Thoughts.  

Beliefs. 

Past. 

These are all things that people use to define themselves.  

In many cultures names are extremely important and can be believed that the right name will give the child success in life. While your name is a part of you it is not all of you. It's just a piece.

Occupation. In this country the message seems to be that you are what you do. How you appear in others eyes seems to have a direct correlation with what you do. At first anyway. But then there is the always within reach but never fully grasped level of perfection. Perfection is the unrealistic drive that keeps you pushing your broken human self towards a broken standard made by more broken humans. Impossible to achieve. So, if you "fail" in your current occupation, the common mindset is that when you make a mistake it makes your value decrease. Thus it is common to see people striving to be what they are doing. This is very unhealthy to put your identity in because it is so temporary! School doesn't last forever, and jobs or lack of don't last forever. So then you are constantly seeking to root your identity in something that is changing or not guaranteed, thus neither is your identity.  

Relationships. Another easy one to root identity in. Everything is temporary. Even when it doesn't feel like it. Rooting your identity in any relationship is also unhealthy. That's why when there's separation, for example in friendships and dating, it can feel like you have lost yourself. Again rooting identity in temporary things is hard because then it's a constant battle to remember who you are.

Experiences. This one is a struggle for me. I can easily feel defined by some of the things that I have experienced. But I am not merely the "victim" of being hit by a car, that's something I experienced and am experiencing the aftereffects. I have scars but scarred is not who I am. I have a paralyzed arm but paralyzed or disabled is not who I am. Those "titles" are so far from the truth that I don't even entertain the thoughts of taking on "paralyzed" or "disabled" as my identity. 

Experiences can be defining factors but they are not the definition.

Status is temporary. 

Where you live is temporary. 

Your past does not define you. Your past will stay in the past unless you don't deal with it properly and choose to bring it into the present. 

Appearance changes. Trends change too quickly. Height, weight, clothes size, and age will all change.

Peoples' opinions, expectations, comparisons, and emotions are like the wind, strong and ever changing.

Material things are so temporary. I have watched things burn many times. From that I quickly learned there is no point in putting any identity or emotional weight on material things because they can be gone in seconds. Also I have moved more times than I care to count. Most of the time we packed up our lives into 8-12 big suitcases and carry-on bags. Material things are not bad but it is not worth it to put your identity in something so fragile.    

All the things up on that list are either temporary and subject to change, or they are only defining factors and not the whole definition. 

For a lot of people that I've talked to about identity they have said not knowing who they are is a scary thing. From a world view perspective that's true. If everything that I take on as my identity here in this world is temporary, then I have to constantly be changing who I am to keep up with what I feel defines me. I am going to compare it to trying to grow roots in a wave. There's nothing solid to hold on to, which makes these attempts of trying to grow roots thoroughly exhausting. 

However, I know who I am. There is only one explanation. At the core who I am is a Beloved Child of the Most High King. I am to be defined by the One who knows me better than I know myself. The One who created me. He is the only One who created me and thus knows me completely. 

Psalm 139:13-16 

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Isaiah 26:4

"Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal."

God is the only constant. He is what we can put our roots in and be secure in His steadfast love and unchanging grace. 

For those of you who like listening, I did a podcast episode on this subject with a friend of mine. Here is the link if you want to check that out! 

https://anchor.fm/crystal-dawn6/episodes/Grace-and-Idenity-etu2e1/a-a53t441