Dear Older Me in Case You Forget

Dear Older Me,

God has brought you so far. The struggles that I face today are probably distant memories. So, I want to write you a letter about things that you should remember from this season. 

In this season, nerve pain is one of those struggles that has faded to become a slightly distant memory. It is always good to look back and see how God met me in those sleepless, pain-filled nights. How then, has God met me here and now in what has felt like a series of emotional battles and storms? 

It has been dark. It has been exhausting. It has felt as though I will live in these thought patterns and struggles for the rest of my life. Yet, I know that it will one day come to an end, and that is why I am writing this letter. 

Because one day you won't be constantly wondering how to not be a burden on those around you. One day you won't be constantly thinking about yourself and everything you think you're doing wrong. One day you won't wish that you could end all of your own pain. One day you won't question being worthy of love. One day you won't feel like you need to put up walls to protect yourself just in case the world around you collapses again. One day you won't live under the belief that your worth is tied to your productivity and your value tied to being what other people need. One day you will be comfortable in being the person that God created instead of feeling like you need to be whatever other people like to survive, in order to be loved. One day you'll be able to trust. One day you won't need to strive to prove that you are independent; you'll be secure with being flawed, needing God to make you whole. One day you won't feel the need to have it all together. One day you will be able to express happiness and excitement without feeling the need to tone it down, so others don't judge you. One day you might forget what all of that was like. So here is what I want you to remember. 

I want you to remember silent mental breakdowns. The times when help was just around the corner in the other room, loving arms that would have held you and sat with you, but all you could do was sit in the very corner of a room and sob as hard but as quietly as possible until you no longer had the strength to move. All you could do was breathe and cry out to God, wondering how long the storms in your mind would rage and scream. I want you to remember what it was like once you had caught your breath to take a warm, wet washcloth to your face to take away the puffiness and the tear marks so that no one would know, you wouldn't feel dependent, and you wouldn't bring down the mood. I want you to remember the relief mixed with deep disappointment when it worked. When those who had been in the next room while you were silently fighting for your life through various mental breakdowns and panic attacks, looked you in the eyes and didn't notice how red they were from crying. They didn't ask because they didn't know there was anything to ask about. It worked; you maintained your pride all while falling deeper into the hole of feeling unseen, unknown, and unloved. What I want you to remember the most about those times when you were crying silently in the corner where no one would see you, yet you also hoped that someone would walk by and see you fighting for your life and choose to sit with you in that fight. The King of Kings was already sitting with you, fighting right beside you. He fought your battles when you had no strength. Even when the storms in your mind were so loud that you couldn't hear Him, you could feel Him fighting on your behalf and silencing the storms. He gave you the strength to stand and the strength to talk about it even if it was always after the fact. He pulled you out time after time after time, and held you close by His love. Even when you didn't believe it or even when you didn't want to believe it, you could feel His love completely undaunted by the mess and the storms. He only came closer, and nothing drove Him away. He knew and saw the depths of everything, every action, every fear, every thought process, and still He has never left you. How uncomfortable and how wonderful it is to be fully and completely known and seen and loved by God. 

I want you to remember the nights when it was all you could do to stay in bed rather than getting up and going to the kitchen knives that were no more than eight feet away from your bedroom door. I want you to remember those times when resisting and actually falling asleep was a miracle. I want you to remember that strength did not come from you. God has given you the strength to fight for the life that He has given you and to remain unscarred after fighting such thoughts for over twelve years. I want you to remember God holding you close and keeping you from so many dangers. I want you to remember that even when you didn't want His gifts of life, He never let go of you. He only held you closer.          

I want you to remember when you struggled with being a guest because your comfort zone was hosting, and so you did everything you could to lift the "burden" of your existence off of your hosts. There were so many little actions that came out of the ingrained belief that you were a burden. This was only one. Remember when you would stifle your laughter so it wouldn't be too loud? Remember knowing exactly how to silently turn a doorknob or navigate through a house making the least amount of noise as possible? Remember learning how to do everything in the dark, from crocheting to getting ready for the day, so you wouldn't wake up or disturb those around you by turning on a light? I want you to remember the discomfort of being a guest because God was using that to teach you about resting in His love and that your worth did not change when you were the one being cared for. It did not change when you were "inconvenient". God's love cannot be changed. It just is. All we need to do is receive it. 

I want you to remember when you thought your success was tied to how many people sought you out to help them deal with hard things. I want you to remember when you thought success was tied to keeping your own pain silent. In the times following these, God asked you to let Him redefine success and productivity. He taught you that He delights in rest and He loves inviting you into His presence to just rest in His goodness and love. He does not need your polished resume, or lack thereof. He does not need to see the measuring stick with which you have measured your deeds, worth, and value. He created you and knows you even better than you know yourself. He taught you to be held and to rest, even when you felt like you couldn't earn or justify it. He showed you that you have no need to stay silent; you are not called to be a silent superhero, you're called to be a child. His child. He is calling you to let Him hold your pain and everyone else's. I want you to remember what it was like to let go of yourself and once again trust in His love.   

I want you to remember the panic of when you realized you had been overly vulnerable and you wondered how long it would be for that person to leave. This terror was with you for most of your life and left you constantly wondering who you could trust with yourself. This fear even led you to question when to speak and if you should speak at all. I want you to remember the beauty of God showing you that He has given you a voice for a reason and that He speaks through you. Don't take for granted the voice God has given you. Don't forget that the One who created your voice to be heard has never left you, and He never will. Seasons will come and go but there is nothing that can make Him leave you.  

I want you to remember what it was like to look back and realize that God has never left you. The fear melting from your body and the relief that replaced it. Sagging into God's arms, realizing that they have always been there to hold you up and to carry you when you had nothing left.   

Dear Older Me don't forget that God's got you. He has brought you this far. Don't forget the depths of the darkness that was filled by the dawning of a new day. Don't forget how God fought for you and sat by your side through the depths of every darkness. He will never leave. Rest in His love. 

Isaiah 54:10

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you."